10 Favorite Comedian Quotes

They say it takes the highest intellect to evoke laughter. The best comedians tend to have the acutest of observations and the widest of perspectives. With such tools, they weave – out of the smallest or simplest of phenomena – hypothetical scenarios and antics that make one laugh involuntarily.

Following is a list of some of the most memorable quotes from the best in comedy.

Ellen DeGeneres on Staying in Shape

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

George Burns on Age

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

Steven Wright on Murphy’s Law

“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

David Letterman Stating the Obvious

“USA today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

Marty Feldman’s Take on Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s Aphorism

“The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.”

Jerry Seinfeld on Blood Stains

“Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

Mel Brooks on Tragedy and Comedy

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

Emo Philips on Pains of Child Birth

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

George Carlin’s Take on George Bernard Shaw’s Aphorism

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that …”

Tommy Cooper on Promotions

“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, ‘What happened to you?’ And I said, ‘I careered off the road.’”

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