5. The Ultraman
If you’re anything like us, you scoff at normal triathlons and consider Ironman events to be a light warm-up before your daily summit of Everest. You’d also be a pathological liar, but we digress. The Ultraman is an event for people just like that, because why settle for the title of Ironman when you can sound like a 1960s Japanese action hero? Also, there’s probably immense personal satisfaction from completing this challenge or some nonsense like that.
This three day, 515km race has been held annually in Hawaii since 1983. Day one consists of a 10km swim through the ocean followed by a 145km bike ride. Day two has contestants biking for another 276km, and on day three the Ultraman concludes with an 84km run, the equivalent of two marathons. Only 35 people are allowed to compete every year, and the winner usually boasts a completion time of just under 24 hours. Yeah, you know a race is intense when the best of the best takes about a day to finish.
4. The Simpson Desert Bike Challenge
This is the biking equivalent of the Marathon des Sables, as contestants spend five days cycling across remote parts of the Australian outback. Most of the 590km is spent going over sand dunes and rocky plains, all the while putting up with intense heat and swarms of bugs. The only chance of relief from the scorching sun comes in the form of rain, but that tends to create bogs that are incredibly difficult to bike though. Also, you’re in constant danger of being bitten by a killer spider or having your stuff stolen at night, just like every other visitor to Australia.
The winning time is usually around 40 gruelling hours. On the plus side, participants can have a support crew to prepare meals, do laundry, and so on. Gee, that practically makes this a relaxing vacation.
3. Yukon Arctic Ultra
What is it with these challenges and being “ultra”? Ultra doesn’t even begin to describe this event: it’s a 702km race through the arctic, which participants can complete on either bikes, skis, or, if they hate themselves, foot. That much distance is tough enough on its own, never mind the fact that the average temperature is -20C, (it can get as low as a horrifying -55C), and that blizzards are common. They might as well use angry polar bears to guard the checkpoints.
This is the only race we know of where you’re required to bring a headlamp, 48 hours’ worth of emergency food, and, most worryingly, an avalanche shovel. And that’s just a small portion of the junk you have to carry around with you, as if wading through heavy snow doesn’t slow you down enough. That explains why there’s a strict time limit of 13 days for completion, although most people end up being forced to retire well before that. Reports of competitors getting lost and forced to eat each other to survive remain unconfirmed, but it sounds inevitable to us.
2. The Iditarod
Easily the most famous event on our list, the Iditarod is an 1868km dog sled race across Alaska. Of course, it’s the team of 16 dogs that’s doing most of the work, but the whiteout conditions, blizzards and wind chill that can drop the temperature to a balmy -73C makes this event tough on the driver as well. And the sheer length is a huge factor; the record completion time is just under nine days, and it can take as long as 15 for some people to finish. So while “sitting on your keester and telling your dogs to get a move on” may not constitute a sport in the traditional sense, the fact that you’re doing it for a week and a half in a raging snowstorm is enough to qualify this as an athletic event. Plus, the dogs are probably better athletes than most of us, so they deserve some recognition.
1. The Atlantic Rowing Race
Yes, that’s “Atlantic” as in “The Atlantic Ocean.” Beginning in 1997 and held every two years, the race starts in the Canary Islands and ends in the West Indies. At 4722km it’s longer than every other event on our list combined, and the 2009 edition took contestants anywhere from 40 to 90 days to complete. Any race where you need to quit your job beforehand redefines the idea of serious dedication. It also redefines insanity.
Most of the boats are manned by pairs or teams of four, because if you’re going to put your life on hold to row across the Atlantic Ocean you might as well bring some friends along. A few particularly brave people have attempted the journey solo, however. That’s three months of sitting in a tiny boat by yourself, living off of ration packs and straining your muscles to row across choppy ocean water. You’ll have to decide for yourselves if that’s inspirational or just crazy, because we have no idea.
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