Top 5 Rules and Laws Nobody Obeys

Saturday, November 19, 2011

5. Shower Before Using A Public Pool/Beach

We should all do this.  Most of us are quite dirty and disgusting.  So to enter a public pool reeking of dirt, sweat and bacteria is fairly wrong.  But do you remember to do this more than once every so often?  Unless you’re a germaphobe, probably not.  After all, you’re going into the water anyway.  You’ll get clean there.
Besides, who is there to stop you if you try to enter a pool unshowered?  Armed guards with dogs?  Definitely not.  Bicycle cops with batons?  Probably not.  Most likely, it’s a lifeguard who’s far more concerned with sharks and thongs than your dirty toes.  And once you get into the water, nobody can tell the difference unless they start sniffing around your armpits and nether-regions.  Luckily, most lifeguards are not that dedicated, unless you wear a really nice thong.
4. Employees Wash Hands Before Returning To Work


Public pool, part two.  Obviously, any worker should do this, especially if their job involves raw meat or sewage or money which the customer just used to wipe his nose right in front of you.  Do some wash up?  Of course.  Do enough people do it?  Definitely not, if all the sick people are to be believed.
The problem is that, in a lot of people’s minds, they need to do their business and get right back to work, because the customer cannot be inconvenienced for even a nanosecond before heads begin to roll.  So, unless they literally dump on their own hands, they’re convinced they’re clean enough to handle almost anything, including that juicy bacteria burger you’re about to bite into.
3. Don’t Read That Book/Magazine/Newspaper If You’re Not Going To Buy It

If you’re reading part or all of any of the above without paying first, you’re technically stealing.  Those words are their product.  After all, you wouldn’t go into the corner store and eat their candy bars while browsing around, right?  Well, maybe you do and, if that’s the case, you didn’t get the idea from us.
Of course, virtually every bookstore will let this slide, as at least a few of these browsers become paying customers (though not enough of them, if the ever-increasing amount of closed book nooks is any bit of evidence).  Even stores and supermarkets will allow this, not wanting to lose even one potential customer to the competition.  If the customer is a long-time regular, they can basically paw through all the newspapers and magazines they want, and nobody blinks an eye.  Well, nobody save the idealistic rookie who doesn’t yet know what rules are made to be broken.  But other people will beat that info into him real fast, don’t you worry.
2. Only Use The Left Lane To Pass

You know the “fast lane”?  The one where you pretend you’re a NASCAR champion for a minute?  The one where you can go 80 and not get ticketed like those dummies that do 80 in other “slow” lanes?  Well, doing that makes you a dirty criminal.  The “fast lane” is actually a “passing lane.”  You’re allowed to speed to pass somebody, but that’s it.  Once you pass the person, you must go back to the middle or right lanes or risk getting pulled over.
Except that’s obviously horse-dookie.  How many people drive fast in the left lane for long periods of time?  A lot.  How often have you done so?  Vegas odds point to, once again, a lot.  Every so often, a bored cop working a late shift will bust a left-lane driver, but not because they’re cracking down on offenders.  They just have a ticket quota to fill and, besides, pulling people over is a great way to stay awake once the coffee stops working.
1. No Home Gambling

You know that basement game of Texas Hold ‘Em you and your frat buddies held for ten bucks a pop last Thursday?  Hang your head in shame, because that makes you a dirty evil bastard.  In most places, any kind of home game, save for ones where no money is on the line and the poker chips are actually potato chips, is illegal.  Why?  Because, outside of casinos, gambling is just plain against the law.  And unlike your ex, size doesn’t matter to the law.
Of course, most officers are too busy to crack down on every four-player game held in every dorm on the planet so, unless complaints are piling up and they have to investigate, this law doesn’t get enforced.  So feel free to gamble with your buddies next Thursday night; just keep in mind that it just takes one jackass cop with an attitude issue and you’re SOL.
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