5. James Bond Takes Down SPECTRE with the Help of Pinocchio
When the new leader of SPECTRE threatens to turn every child in Europe into a donkey, it’s up to James Bond to stop his nefarious plan. But he can’t do it alone, which is why MI6 must call upon the aid of a time traveling Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Lampwick and Geppetto. Why they’re traveling through time to fight evil isn’t made clear, but since any attempt at an explanation would probably make our heads explode we’re not going to complain.
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Rather than turn Pinocchio and company into stone cold killing machines, the author instead chose to bring James Bond down to a G rating. While this does keep things family friendly (and this story will no doubt become a timeless family classic one day), it unfortunately eliminates the Bond franchise’s signature wit. So, to our great disappointment, Pinocchio doesn’t lie in order to spear a bad guy with his nose while saying something like “I hope you don’t mind me nosing around.” Although Geppetto does blow up two motorcycles, so that’s something.
Excerpt
“James Bond’s view of M’s three guests changed when he saw not a microphone under the hat but a rather large clothed anthropomorphic cricket. James was a logical man like all 00 agents had to be but the only logical conclusion to seeing the cricket was were real life characters from the aftermath of the story of Pinocchio when the puppet was made a real boy. James Bond was not only in the presence of time travelers, but time travelers from an earth time line where the story of Pinocchio was true and not a fairy tale.”
4. Lord of the Scooby Snacks
While The Lord of the Rings is undeniably a masterpiece, we can all agree that it would have been even better had it also included a talking dog that solved mysteries. One fan fiction author, seeing the error of J.R.R. Tolkien’s ways, wrote a story that dropped the cast of Scooby Doo straight into Middle Earth.
The tale begins with Scooby and the rest of the gang finding the one ring, which transports them to the Shire and turns them into hobbits. They promptly team up with Frodo and company to destroy the ring; the story is basically the same as the source material, except most of the rich mythology has been replaced with a love
triangle featuring Fred, Daphne and Legolas. Oh, and Scooby falls in love with a sexy elf dog.
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Sadly, this epic wasn’t finished, so we’ll never know how it ends. However, we’re willing to bet that the plan was for Sauron to be defeated by an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine, at which point he was unmasked and revealed to be mean old Lobelia Baggins.
Excerpt
“Fred glares at Legolas. “Oh man! Why on Middle Earth did have to get stuck with this guy?”Fred thinks. “And I wish I knew why Daphne likes him so much.” Fred looks a Legolas’s long hair and his tall figure. “So he’s handsome, I still don’t see what’s so great about him.” The young Hobbit thinks. “I hope we reach the town soon.” Just then Fred hears a noise that sound a bit like Orks.”
3. Sherlock Holmes and Watson Make Out, Also Have Pokemon
People have been writing Sherlock Holmes fan fiction since the character’s debut, but this story is unique in that it also involves Pokémon, and it involves them for a reason that not even the great detective could figure out.
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The tale begins with Holmes trying to seduce Watson, but Watson is so distressed by this that he packs up his Pokémon and leaves for another city to become a Pokémon doctor. Holmes, unable to resist his true love, tracks Watson down, shows him his newly acquired Pokémon, and pretty much comes within a step of committing rape. At first Watson resists, but then their two Pokémon merge into one, and Watson is so impressed by the act that he gives into his feelings for Holmes. They share a passionate kiss, and while much is left unanswered we’re just thankful that the story ended before they showed each other their second kind of pocket monster, if you know what we mean.
Excerpt
“It gave me a sad look. I wanted to ask what was wrong but I still couldn’t find my voice. Then, without warning, Slowbrow grabbed my hand with its newly free paws. It then grabbed Holmes’ hand with the other. We both stared at it in uncertainty. Slowbro brought our hands together, and they connected like puzzle pieces.”
2. The Lion King is Retold with the cast of The Golden Girls and Courage the Cowardly Dog
In the most surreal crossover known to man, Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia wake up one day to find that they’ve become lion cubs fathered by Mufasa. Courage is there for some reason too, and together they grow up with Simba, destined to do great things.
The Full Story
Only two chapters were written before the author abandoned the story, presumably because they recognized their own insanity and checked themselves in to a mental institution. If you’re wondering why we’re including a story that only lasted two chapters, it’s because those two chapters pack in more craziness than most complete works. For example: at the end of chapter two, Dorothy develops telekinetic powers and uses them to make a buffalo explode. And, if you listen carefully as you read about it, you can hear your mind snap.
Excerpt
“But then one of the buffalo charged right at us and then before I knew Dorothy activated a pink, transparent, glossy telekinetic bubble and barricaded the both of us from that buffalo. The buffalo smashed right into the bubble and was instantly electrocuted and stunned into a paralyzing daze. He then swooned to the ground and the rest of the herd lunged right for us. ‘Fire away, Pussycat!’ I commanded Dorothy challengingly and then Dorothy shot and discharged streaks of pink lightning bolts from the telekinetic bubble in a flare of fury and then several of the buffalo were stunned and electrocuted as the electricity spewed out through their bodies and were flattened to the ground.”
1. Twilight and Harry Potter – Horrifying Pregnancies
Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. “After all the weird stuff they’ve shown me, they’re going to end with a run-of-the-mill Twilight/Harry Potter crossover? How lame is that?” Well, we’ll explain. Jeez, show some patience. Jerk.
For starters, this work in progress has already reached 319,000 words, which makes it longer than any of the novels it’s based on. Even more worrying, it comes with a disclaimer: “Will have mpregs!” For our laymen readers, that means male pregnancies. That also means it’s OK for you to stop reading and slowly back away from your computer; we won’t judge you.
Full Story
We’ll admit that we didn’t read the entire thing because, well, it’s a 319,000 word story about male Harry Potter and Twilight characters getting knocked up. But from what we skimmed before our eyes started to bleed we deduced that this epic tale is about Harry and Draco moving to Forks for some reason, where they promptly shack up with Edward and Jacob, respectively. There’s really no plot beyond that; it’s just hundreds of thousands of words of flirting, moping and making out.
There are about 20 scenes of Harry Potter getting in and out of the shower, and everybody spends most of their time telling each other how nice they look without shirts on. It would actually be less gay if they just had sex. And when that finally happens, Draco ends up pregnant. There’s even a long explanation as to how this is possible, although thankfully the details of how the child will be delivered are left out. But don’t worry; we’re sure some other fan fiction writer will cover that soon enough.
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